This week has been the hardest, longest, most painful week I can remember having.It has come at the midway point of a year which has been one disaster after another, from unexpected HECS debts, to unexpected house demolishing, to granmother having a leg amputated, dream jobs becoming nightmares, and a few minor things which have simply been forgotten about once it burns itself into your mind that your home is being demolished.
This week I was sick. Tonsilitis, fever of 40.1, which I am told is high, ear infection and headaches and dehydration and strange sleepless nights of fever and hallucinations.My wife has a friend who had a still born baby, named it the same as my youngest daughter, and they were all suitably messed up and understandably miserable.
Tempers were running high in both senses, which led to me kicking the car windshield, from the inside, and not hard, which led to a broken window.
My wife was, hell, probably is, angry at me for not being supportive during this time, and I was honestly trying my best, under the circumstances, to keep it all together.
I was sick, very sick.
I feel like a total piece of shit, and her family and my family probably think I am a total piece of shit, and that I was over exaggerating the illness, they don’t know what it’s like to lay on a hospital bed for two weeks, unable to swallow, like I do.
That was just under 10 years ago now, and every time my tonsils swell up that high and fast I panic.
So maybe my headspace was a bit messed up, and maybe I wasn’t as supportive as I could have been.
I still don’t know why I feel like such a piece of shit though.
But I do.
Feel like one I mean, not know why.
Fuck it.
Tags: depression, HECS, self loathing
